Check ALL the boxes

Hello reader! It is nice to be back on here... it only took me two whole years! There has been many milestones and significant updates within my life and the lives of the people closest to me within those past two years that have forced positive growth inside of my heart. Within another post I can go more in depth, but the biggest change that has completely redirected my life since last posting on here is I graduated high school and moved four hours away from home to college! Since then I have also finished my freshman year. I grew up in the same town with a population of 8,000 my entire life. Therefore, when I went to college, it was the first new town that I had ever lived in and it felt like forever away from home. Doing that substantial really changes you, and thankfully, by the grace of God, Christ has changed me in a positive way! I also worked at a church camp for a month and a half which greatly strengthened my walk with the Lord and taught me many Godly truths.

If you know me personally, have read a previous blog posts, or have listened to my testimony on my mom's tiktok, you know that a big part of my story is dealing with heartbreak inflicted by my sinful self getting into romantic relationships with boys that I had no business in dating. (If you are a first-time reader on this blog, first, welcome! I hope you stay awhile! Second, I urge you to go read my previous blog titled, "Finding Contentment in a New Place", in order to get some context for this post!) I continued to stay in sin and get hurt over and over until overtime, Christ said no more and pulled me from the depth of that sin. January through February of 2022 was the last time that I was romantically involved with a boy. Although it was unlike any of my previous relationships, it still was not particularly pleasing to the Lord. The relationship did not encourage my walk with Christ whatsoever. In all reality, it put a strain on it. It is beyond difficult to stay faithful to the Lord when the person you love encourages you not to. That is why God Himself calls us to be equally yolked with our spouse.

In March of 2022, my family took a vacation to Florida and at the that time, I was still working through the hurt that I had endured in that relationship/breakup. My mom and I were laying on the beach talking about it and she gave me some tough love. I'm so glad she did. Us humans are so stubborn; we NEED that tough love many times in our life. She was probably thinking, "I am so tired of you complaining, being heartbroken, and being sad all the time when you inflict it on yourself. Seriously, what do you think would happen when the boy wants the exact oppotsite of what you want?!?!" Instead, though, she told me something along the lines of, "Stop dating these boys that don't want what you want. Make a list of the things you want in a husband and do not date a boy unless they check all of those boxes." I want you to pay attention to one word in that sentence: "all". Not some of the boxes; ALL of them. There are a list of non-negotiables and bonuses. Non-negotiables are the boxes that should all be checked off. Then, the bonuses are self-explanatory. I hate to break it to you, but "hot and athletic" are not non-negotiables, those are bonuses! So... I made the list. I wrote all of them down in my journal and kept them tucked away in the back of my head. Since making that list, I have not been involved with another man since. I've texted some and been on a few dates, sure, but none got very far. Many of those were because all of the boxes were not checked off. 100% of those times, the box that was not checked was "will be the spiritual leader in the relationship". See, that is where I would go wrong in the past. I liked the boy to the point where I would overlook that box that they did not check...even though it was the most important one! And where did it get me? It left me empty and broken. I'm going to call out the ladies here because we do this way too much. Do not even date the boy if he doesn't check all the boxes. You are not going to fix him. You are not going to change him. That work must be done by God and God alone, so please, please, please, do not go into a relationship thinking that he will eventually get to the place you want him to be!

While I was working at camp this summer, a friend and I were talking about whether or not it would be wise of her to pursue a relationship with another camp counselor. After camp was over they would have to do long-distance so it was very important for her to decide if it was worth the time, energy, and effort that she would have to put into this relationship. I was given the opportunity and privilege to give her the same advice my mom gave me just a short time ago. I encouraged her to make a list of her non-negotiables and the bonuses, then to look over the non-negotiables and see if this particular boy checked all of those. If he didn't, then she would know for sure that putting the effort into long-distance would not be wise. This reminded me of the list that I made so when I got home from camp a couple of weeks ago, I had the desire to revisit that list, which leads us to present day right now. After looking over the list that I had made over a year ago, I now had things that I wanted to add and take away from it. And that's okay. As you learn and grow in life and your relationship with the Lord, your needs and desires might change, although the core ones should stay the same! So, I remade the list and wrote it in my current journal so I could frequently look back at it. As I was reading over the boxes, I started thinking about how much girls especially, but boys as well, could learn from this list. I think it is very wise for every person, Christian or not, to make a list like this and stick to it to eliminate heartbreak in your life. I can assure you that it has 100% removed the hurt in my life over this past year!

If you are reading this, I highly encourage you to make a list of your own! I am going to include mine below for you to read over, feel free to use however many of mine that you would like! If you are in a current relationship right now and your person does not check some of these boxes, I urge you to go to the Lord in prayer and ask Him to give you guidance. Please remember, though, you alone will not be able to change them. Please do not date them for their "potential" to get to that spot. It is not worth your time! You never know, if they get to that potential one day, they might come back into your life. But right now, it is not your job to fix or change them! I love you guys and I am praying for all of you who are reading this. I pray that you all will find someone who checks all of your boxes if it is in the Lord's will for your life. ♥

Non-negotiables:

o Christ is #1 in their life (above me, above everything)

o Actively studies and is in the Word of God daily

o Will be the spiritual leader of the household (to me and future children)

o Is a man of prayer (personally and corporately)

o Respects me in all areas of his and mine’s lives (opens the door, pays for food, would drop me off at the door then go park, etc…)

o Loves and respects my family

o Sticks up for me, especially when I’m not there

o Has a good sense of humor and has fun

o We always have something to talk about, but is also okay with the quiet

o Is my best friend at the end of the day

o Consistent and steady

o Humble and can admit when they are wrong; not afraid to apologize

o 1 Corinthians 7: 1-5 ~ respect and agreement in this area

o Disciplined: spiritually, financially, and physically/personally

o Protective

o Hard-worker and motivated

o Wants a family (preferably more the 4 kiddos)

o Continually makes me feel special, seen, and appreciated

o Agrees on parenting style

o Likes and wants to travel

o Has good, intimate friendships and gets along with my friends

o Has no addictions (coffee and working-out are acceptable)

o Good communicator

o Will carry in the groceries, take out the trash, and other manly duties

o Pushes me/encourages me to be better

o Physically active (wants to be physically active with me)

o Loves me well according to my love language

Bonuses:

o Tall

o Attractive

o Athletic

o Pretty teeth

o Organized

o Loves to play games

o Handy-man (can fix things around the house)

o Already has a stable job

o Would like to live near my family